Reflecting on my Isolation and Dysphoria

I’ve been thinking a lot about the feelings of isolation I’ve experienced over the past few years, and I’ve come to a realization that I wanted to share with everyone. Throughout my time in high school I was struggling to comprehend the feelings I was having towards my body and who I was as a person. I didn’t express those issues to anyone close to me (to my own regret), and now that I’m a bit older I’m realizing that I started to isolate myself quite a bit earlier than I had ever considered. I thought that I felt isolated because I was living on my own in Victoria BC, because I struggled to reach out and connect with others, and also because my family lived across the country. But the reality goes so much deeper than that. My dysphoria and the internalized shame that I was feeling towards myself and my body when I was younger (and even to this day to a certain degree) was a massive contributing factor to the loneliness, isolation, and depression that I experience as an adult, and it started as soon as I started to realize that something is different about me than other kids around me at the time. Not different as in having obscure interests or having strange personality traits (though I also certainly did have those too) but different in the sense that I did not feel comfortable or at home in my body or with the gender identity that was given to me at birth, and also how I was unable to express who I was to other people. As soon as I became aware of the complexities of gender and sexuality (as early as high school, puberty and my teenage years) I started to isolate myself. This is because I felt it was necessary to hide who I was, because to be different in our society is to be deviant, and I felt an increasingly intense amount of internalized guilt and shame.

In the end, all I was doing was hiding from myself and denying those who I interacted with an authentic relationship with me based on who I actually am as a person. What I’ve come to realize is that I’ve been doing this for the majority of my life, and as I’ve aged it’s started to take a massive toll on my mental health. I struggle with depression and anxiety among various other mental health issues. I have difficulties trusting and loving others because I struggle to trust and love myself. I was hiding my authentic being from the world and from my relationships, and I’ve come to realize that I was actually running away from myself and how I feel about who I am as a person. Being trans is difficult in our society because we teach our children that being trans is wrong and that difference is something to be disdained, and to be honest I fed into that logic as a teen. To be honest I still find that I feed into that logic subconsciously even though I know better.

I’ve come to realize that the reason I moved away from my family and my friends to a province where I knew no one was because I wanted to distance myself. I wanted to be able to explore who I was without exposing anyone I cared about to that process, but I also think that I wanted to subconsciously run away from who I am. I think moving to this province gave me the opportunity to reflect on who I am as a person, and to be more honest with myself about my feelings and how I traverse the world, but now I face the issue of not knowing how all of that fits into my relationship with my family. I’ve started to navigate that more with those who are very close to me, like my mom and dad, but I also want to know where the authentic version of me fits into our larger family dynamic. I’m sure that it will be the same loving and supportive family that I have always known, even more so now that I am able to develop authentic relationships with my loved ones based on who I actually am as a person, rather than as a performance of someone else.

I don’t want to feel so isolated and alone anymore. I don’t want to struggle to love and accept who I am. I want to be able to connect with others, love them authentically and never deny myself or others the opportunity to explore our relationships. Hiding myself was one of the most selfish things that I ever could have done, because I eliminated the possibility that I had to create relationships with others. I felt like I was lying to everyone that I ever met, and that only further contributed to my feelings of isolation. I realize that I did this for a number of reasons: internalized shame, ensuring a sense of security from others and myself, avoiding the situation altogether, and running away from who I am. I don’t want to deny myself an authentic life anymore. I’ve decided to embrace everything that makes me who I am, because I deserve to be loved and have authentic relationships. Because of this I want to reconnect with my family and move closer to them. This means that I will likely move all the way across the country to either Ottawa or Toronto once I finish my last year at university in Gender Studies. I want to know what it feels like to interact with my family and have them really know who I am, and for them to be able to see the authentic me with their own eyes and to connect with me based on that honesty.

Note: I don’t mean to say that trans people are being dishonest towards their family or to anyone else in society. There is a sinister narrative in our society that says that trans people are deceptive, and I don’t mean to feed into that narrative here. What I am saying in this article is that I have found it difficult to be honest with myself about who I am as a person, and thus before I came out as trans I was dishonest about that both with myself and others. When I was still closeted I was pretending to be someone that I wasn’t, and through that dishonesty I isolated myself and struggled to connect with others. For me to  be able to say that I am transfeminine is for me to be honest about who I am as a person.

Have you ever?

Have you ever learned something
so profound, beautiful, and haunting
that it commandeers your lost soul
and guides you towards a new path?

Have you ever heard something
so tragic, honest, and visceral
that it tears at your fragile heart
and exposes you to new emotions?

Have you ever lost something
so precious, innocent, and pure
that it forces you to contemplate
who you are in this lonely world?

Something that challenges you
to deconstruct your experiences
and change how you understand
moments that have defined you?

A Recognition of Truth

Three generations of women
a conversation about our lives
our shared feminine experience

But one doesn’t feel as though
she belongs in this discussion
an outcast not recognized

Because she was raised a boy
her identity and reality denied
unable to express her truth

Two women and one erased
no voice among loved ones
an exile in her own home

But she fights to be heard
and her elders turn to listen
unsure but filled with love

Their son becomes a daughter
as a beautiful tale unfolds
a child’s truth now recognized

My Own Reflection

After a shower I stand naked in front of a bathroom mirror
vapor and steam swirling around the enclosed private space
as it conceals all the horrible aspects of my own masculinity.

For once I do not turn away in disgust at my reflected visage
as clouds of water droplets present a much softer appearance
I’m now able to imagine what it would be like to feel feminine.

Unable to see body hair, an Adam’s apple, or broad shoulders
and more apparent is the luster and beauty of my supple skin
through the mist I can imagine myself as a vulnerable woman.

At first this brings me shame and guilt in denial and misogyny
but then I come to realize that there is some hope in this image
the desire to accept who I am and grow into my own reflection.

Trans Healthcare

Sitting in a doctor’s appointment
with a supposed medical “expert”
who knows less about hormones
and gender-affirming surgeries
than me, a trans person with no
post-secondary medical education.

But of course this is to be expected
in a society where my own identity
as someone who is transfeminine
is perceived as more controversial
than all the imprisoning ideologies
which enforce gendered falsehoods.

And so I wish we lived in a world
where “professionals” were humble
and could admit to their mistakes
but instead I am the one expected
to contribute the emotional labor
required to create positive change.

Devil’s Advocate

The devil doesn’t need an advocate
and every time you lend a voice to
legal council for the lord of darkness
you silence a chorus of angelic truth.

Perhaps you don’t even realize that
Satan has power without your favor
and while I may not be very religious
I understand the violence of erasure.

You claim that our trauma isn’t real
despite your own inexperience with
our realities, our struggles, our pain
so confident in your logic and reason.

You call on powers you can’t control
and you don’t understand that these
very same ideologies are responsible
for the anguish that we all experience.

Silencing the Demons

Fuck all the limited assumptions and labels
that encourage you to view this body as male
because I am a bad ass transfeminine tomboy.

No, I am not your stereotypical trans princess
and I do not exist to meet your toxic standards
so confident in my femininity and expression.

But there is always a voice that whispers to me
and it claims that my feminine is not authentic
so overcome with internalized hatred and doubt.

So when I tell people to go and fuck themselves
for trying to pigeonhole me to false conventions
sometimes I wonder who needs to hear that most.

Dark Skies

My mind is like a fierce torrent
of swirling emotion and worry.

A cascade of turbulent showers
awash with dread and anxiety.

And sometimes it’s troublesome
to catch a glimpse of the sunrise.

But when I am in your presence
your warmth clears the dark skies.

Be Weird, Be Abnormal, and Be Strange

Weird is as weird does

and weird does as weird feels

because weird feels wonderful.

So feel wonderful and be weird

because weird is not weird

and normal is not normal.

Weird is normal and normal is weird

so weird is beautiful and normal is crude

and to be normal is to be a prude.

Because maybe weird is who we are

and who we are is fabulous and deranged

so be weird, be abnormal, and be strange.

Father

When you come to mind
it’s like a home invasion,
a trespass in my memories.

When you reach out to me
it’s like assault on my soul,
a reminder of the heartache.

When you hold me close
it’s like being held captive,
a prisoner of guilt and shame.

And a child should never
have to feel this hopeless
about someone they love.